Breaking up if you have kids

Your relationship with your partner has broken down and you must make big decisions about the future of your children and financial affairs. Even though you may be happy that your relationship has come to an end, your children may feel differently. Here are a few tips to help you take care of your children through the relationship breakdown and process of separation.

1. Avoid discussing serious issues or arguing in front of your children

It will be best for all concerned if you avoid serious discussions or arguments in front of your children, particularly if they relate to child custody/access or the division of family assets. Studies show that children become even more distressed when the arguments are about them, and witnessing these arguments can cause long term harm to your child.

2. Consider mediation

Even though your relationship has broken down, it is of course in both of your interests to keep things as amicable as possible during separation. Looking down the road, there may be many instances where you will need to work together and seek each other's co-operation. This may be for relatively minor things like organising your child's birthday party or a family holiday, but it could also be for major decisions like where to send your child to school.

If you're experiencing problems reaching an agreement on arrangements for your children, you might want to consider mediation. This process allows you to discuss issues in a safe and neutral environment, giving you an opportunity to improve your communication and chances of long-term co-operation with your ex.

An impartial and independent third party with specialist training, who often has a background in law and counselling, helps you to identify common ground. If you do not want to negotiate in person, the mediator can even act as go-between.

Everything that occurs during mediation remains confidential and cannot be used in a later court hearing. You and your ex, not the mediator (nor a judge), decide the outcome. Yes, the mediator directs sessions -- but you and your ex ultimately retain control over the decisions made -- so it's an entirely voluntary process.

Mediation can be used at any time – whether you're still living together, living separately or divorced. It is not directly an aid to reconciliation, however, and mediators do not provide counselling (even though they are often trained as counsellors) – its purpose is not to bring the parties back together, but to bring them to the negotiating table.

Any agreement made through family mediation is not legally binding. If you want to make a legally binding agreement you can apply to do so via the courts, and it's best to hire a solicitor to assist you with this.

3. Keep your children informed about what's happening

You may feel that you are protecting your children by withholding information. However, studies show that by giving children age appropriate information, you are in fact helping them to cope with the separation process. Ask your child if they have any questions about the separation, and answer their questions as best you can.

4. Listen to your children

Children want to be consulted about decisions that affect them and they want to feel listened to. Ask your children if they have any questions about the separation and how they feel about it. Carefully listen to their answers and address any concerns. Essentially, tell your children how much you love them and stress that it is not their fault that you're separating.

5. Stability

All children benefit from a stable and structured environment. It is important that both you and your partner agree that the rules and structures formerly in place in the united household still apply. Some parents start to spoil their children because of the guilt surrounding the separation – try to avoid this.

Also, a sudden change like moving house or school should try and be avoided where ever feasible. If the separation must involve change, involve your children in your plans as much as possible.

6. Children should not take sides

Even if you believe that your partner is at fault for the relationship breakdown, do not encourage your children to take sides. Your children should feel that they can have an open relationship with both parents, without feeling guilty that they are letting one parent down if they have fun with the other parent.

Aim to encourage regular contact, where possible, between your children and the non-resident parent as well as with people who are important to them, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

7. Seek out Organisations to help separating parents

The Children and Family Courts Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) provides helpful information for both children and parents involved in family law disputes.

For information about mediation, visit the National Family Mediation .

Alternatively, for help and information on handling divorce and separation, or on any issues related to the care of children, visit the Parentline Plus website.

8. Get legal advice

A solicitor will also help you understand your legal rights and obligations, and ensure any agreement you reach with your ex is a fair one. You can find a solicitor in your area for free using solicitor matching services , which can also help you to understand the best course of action for your situation and whether you are ready to hire a solicitor.

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